I’ve been working on getting comfortable again with leaving the Sanctum.  I’ve managed to be successful recently going out on my own (though I still bring my weapons, the only time I don’t is when I am with Apathy) and staying out, walking about and not going back home right away.

So, I’d gone out a day or so ago and ran into Band.  I’d been wanting to talk to her for a while, since she’d given me a get-well-card, to thank her.  We began talking and she ended up confiding in me.  Poor girl was upset.  It was obvious.  I’ve always liked her and seeing her unhappy just didn’t sit well with me.   Apathy’d mentioned this earlier as well and I knew he’d talked to her.  Just wasn’t quite sure what it had been about until I’d managed to see it for myself when I’d gone to talk to Atlas about the boots I’d made for Apathy…

I did the only thing I could do.  I talked to her.  I tried to help her as much as I could, but I’m no expert on love.  I’m the textbook definition of oblivious.  I tried to give her examples, explain that I thought that Atlas was probably a lot like I was, oblivious to the fact that she liked him, but was most likely just as preoccupied with her as she was with him.  That she needed to let him know how she felt.  That was the only way, I could think of, that she could be happy–they both could be happy.  And by the time the conversation was half-way over, I realized–I was happy and I wanted her to be happy as well.

Nobody will believe it of me, I’m sure.  But it’s true.

I think I’m lucky.  Very, very lucky this time, that it turned out that I was right.  I was right and telling her to talk to him worked. Later that day, I was in the Administrative Lounge on 09, talking to Tailor (having convinced myself that I was doing just fine and didn’t need to go home just yet)  and she ran in and hugged me.  ME.

Band hugged me!

I’m still a bit in shock over it.  And amazingly happy.

Have I really changed that much?  I think this is a good thing.  I just hope I’ve actually managed to make a friend out of Band.  It’s… possible, isn’t it?

-T

It’s been so dark lately.  I’ve not felt much like writing anything except poetry.  And only that for Apathy.  He knows why.

My prediction, as we all know by now, was accurate.  People were hurt, killed… and the Black Mesa Virus reared its head and made another attempt on us.  We beat it, but it nearly achieved at least one of its goals.

It nearly took me.  Even after it’d been eradicated and the threat posed by Eve had been neutralized, the effects of what Eve and Medical and Sebastian had done under its influence lingered. Not the pain, or the physical damage… Apathy took care of that almost immediately.

No.  It was deeper than that.  That’s all I can really say about it for now.  Just that it almost won.  Those that wonder why I hadn’t left the Sanctum in these past three weeks can take the above and do as they will with it.

-T

Certainly, with the threats to everyone increasing by the day, people being attacked, going missing (Blondie being a good example), even the Pack seems to feel more secure in my domain than running free through the facility.  Quite a change from the early days, eh?

Ach. I don’t mind. Not really.  I make a show of being annoyed at dealing with children underfoot, and I did lock the laboratories down (that was necessary!), it’s actually reassuring that they trust me enough. Or certainly seem to think that I’m the lesser of two evils.  I preferred having Nina and Mac close by, where I knew they were safe. Particularly Nina. While Band was missing, she stayed with us.  I… I liked that.  I’d keep her with us at all times, if I could.  I think Blondie would demand my head for that, however.

I can’t shake this feeling though.  I look at the five of us, at Wilson and Holly, Quiet, Apathy and myself and I wonder… what’s going to happen to us?  How long is this going to last before Eve and Sebastian make their next move?  Will it be their last?  Will it be our last?  I spend as much time as I can close to my crew.

Closer still, to Apathy.  M’fiorghra.  The Observatory is our last vestige of safety here, and last night…

The words of a song keep haunting me:

Suddenly the beast takes notice
Unexpectedly we’ve earned his focus
We got here by a naive assumption
Our confidence was a false presumption

–“Too Far To Turn Back”, Abney Park

We know it’s the Entity.  The Thing that’s living inside Eve and Sebastian (although I managed to remove a good portion of the virus before Sebastian escaped us).  And it wants me.  And I know why.  It really has very little to do with Quinlan.

It is this that unsettles me. And somehow, I know… whatever it is that I have been dreading… is going to happen today.

–T

Kind of a record.

So anyway, the meaning of the phrase “tenacitas per aspera” comes down to “Strength in Adversity”. It seemed appropriate for the title of a journal.  And again, it was Apathy who helped me rediscover my love of Latin.

We’re kind of locked down at the moment. With Wilson deep in the Sanctum working on building our shooting range, Quiet exploring and Apathy and Holly busy doing their own things, I’m finding myself with a lot of idle time and nobody to really talk to.  That’s not a bad thing really, I’ve been reading “Cosmos” by Carl Sagan and studying as much as I can about astronomy and how the astronomical lab works, so I’ve not been idle, just… lonely.

Which is odd, because I’m probably the last person around here that would be thought of as suffering from that particular affliction.

I’m too social to be alone so much, I think. I’d even welcome an argument with Leonard right now.

It’s odd.

Perhaps that’s why I’m journaling.

–Tenacity